Prince Philip asks for divorce as the Queen gives up tea for Rooibush

La reine prend le thé au Manchester Royal Infirmary - DR

La reine prend le thé au Manchester Royal Infirmary – DR

It is a shocking news that Somewhere Over the Teapot is very sad to report this morning: Queen Elizabeth II has declared in a official statement that she is to give up tea for Rooibush, and that her whole household and staff was to do the same. As a consequence, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburg, is said to have asked for a divorce and the British people seems outraged as a survey reveals that 94% of them wants the Queen to abdicate the throne in favour of Prince Charles. 

« As I am about to turn 90, it is high time that I start taking more care about my health and therefore I have decided to give up tea. However, as I fear that this important decision to start drinking Rooibush instead might be hard to hold, I am asking all of my household and staff to do the same. No one will be allowed to have tea in my royal presence and scones will be had with margarine instead of clotted cream », has declared Elizabeth II through a royal statement issued by Buckingham Palace early this morning.

« That’s it! I am getting a divorce! », is said to have shouted the Duke of Edinburg in response to that decision, reveals staff of the Palace. Prince Philip had decided to get down to the kitchen to understand why his Earl Grey had been replaced by « this reddish tasteless mixture » and why his clotted cream « tasted foolish » when the cook had to tell him what the people was to learn a few minutes later in this statement.

Desperate for changed Britons ask for French help

Prince Philip is reportedly not the only one to be shocked by the Queen’s decision to stop drinking tea. According to a survey very promptly undertaken, 94% of the British people would like Elizabeth II to abdicate the throne in favour of her son the Prince Charles of Wales, a harsh decision that comes as a real shock. It is the first time indeed that the people declare they would like Prince Charles to become their King, most of them usually wanting the crown to go straight from the Queen to her grandson William.

The Prime Minister himself has talked live on the BBC to ask for help from… The French! « We have faced faced desperate situations together before… », he said, before completely loosing it. « We saved your asses more than once, provided de Gaulle with as much champagne he was whining for and if it wasn’t for Churchill you’d all be speaking German. Come on, dudes, help us, drink more tea. We need that to compensate the loss that will be created by this catastrophe », he almost shouted in a not so English manner.

The Royal Family under shock

The Duchess of Cambridge is said to be extremely disappointed by the Queen’s decision. « No way I’ll stop drinking tea. And what about prestige?! Isn’t it why I accepted to be part of this family in the first place? », is said to have declared the mother of Prince William, two children, George and Charlotte.

Zara Tindall is said to be pretty well disappointed too, but by her cousin-in-law. Both princesses bounded around their pregnancies and prince Willian’s cousin appears to have opened her heart to a friend, who then obligedly shared with The Sun: « So everyone was right after all. I’m such a fool to have believed she actually liked us royals for what we are inside but she was always looking for prestige after all. »

The only one seeming to laugh at the horrid news appears to be the naughty Prince Harry who is also the only one to have openly commented: « I always knew deep inside that grandma was a punk. I mean, who else could I have got after? » has he declared for the BBC.

Famous artists very disappointed by their Queen

Here are some of the reactions Somewhere Over the Teapot could get from celebrities. Contacted by phone, David Tennant, aka THE Doctor for 98% of all Doctor Who fans in the world, has expressed his despair: « I fear that even the Doctor couldn’t do anything to help this time. He has saved the Earth in general and the Brits in particular countless times but what is he to do this time? When I think I got married with Elizabeth I, what would she have thought of it? » Then he went on for almost an hour with useless comments that I shall not bore you with.

Neil Gaiman sent me an email in which he admits he is « really guts » because he had used the Queen « as a muse for Yvaine, the fallen star of Stardust AND Door, in Neverwhere. Had I known that then… »

The French writer Jérôme Attal confided his disappointment with me on Facebook, stating that he was « going to ask for poetical asylum to the Prime Minister » but that he wasn’t « so keen about it anymore ». « After all, the whole point of it was to live in a more civilised country. I am NOT to move out to go live with Barbarians. I should as well leave for Spain and start drinking coffee all day long with the Spaniards. »

The incredible Stephen Fry gave me a call himself and left me the following voicemail: « Fuck, what the fuck just happened to this country? » 

Last but not least, the mighty Thor expressed his « disgust » about that news: « After all I’ve done for the Earth, to see that the Earthlings apparently have no self-respect at all after all… I’m heading back to Asgard, and for good, this time. Good riddance. » To which Tony Stark, who wasn’t really following, answered: « Don’t worry, I’m here to save the day. Wait, what? What is it? Oh hell, no, I fear that even I can’t do anything for you this time. Jarvis, back to the Stark Tower! »